Ellie's Story: Opening up about losing a parent

After my mum died, I don’t think I had taken the time to acknowledge what had happened. We just tried to get on with life but I don’t think I was grieving properly.

I had moved away to university in Gloucestershire when I was 18 and I loved my life. It happened just as my second year was finishing. My dad called me while I was asleep and then he called me again which was unusual. I called him back and he said, ‘It’s your mum, she’s dead’, and then he broke down and had to hand the phone over to the paramedics.

I was completely in shock, just numb. Mum was only 58 when she passed away in her sleep. She had no existing health conditions and was generally fit and healthy. We just didn’t understand what had happened so it had to go to the coroner. I hadn’t seen her for four or five months so I felt like I hadn’t even really said goodbye to her.

I organised the funeral and wrote a eulogy. I knew I could give my mum the best send off so I was happy to have that responsibility and I’m honoured to have been able to do that. I think it was almost a little bit of closure for me. The funeral was really difficult but it was a beautiful send off. There were clear blue skies.

We didn’t get the post mortem results until a few months later but it helped to know she wouldn’t have been in pain. People do die suddenly and unexpectedly and you have to carry on with life. I finished my third year of uni which was really difficult but I knew she would have wanted me to finish. I ended up getting a First and I dedicated my dissertation to my mum.

I think my mum’s death was one of the reasons my dad declined so quickly. He got on with life but in July 2020 he passed out at home. They ran tests in hospital and found he had anaemia. They did arrange follow up investigations but then they let him go home. After that, he seemed a bit better but a few months later he started saying he didn’t feel well and asked me to postpone his hospital tests.

By the beginning of 2021, he had lost a lot of weight, wasn’t going to work and was sleeping during the day. He was spending most of his days in bed and was too weak to go up and down the stairs but we couldn’t force him to go to the hospital.

I had put the thought that it could be cancer to the back of my mind and I think I was naïve to the fact that he was dying. Now I wonder why he didn’t go for the scans? It was his choice but I’m angry about that. It’s frustrating and heart-breaking and upsetting. Coming to terms with that has been really hard but the counselling sessions have definitely helped.

In the end I called and asked him to let them do some tests. He went into hospital for about 11 days in February 2021 when we were still in lockdown. He had a stage three tumour and on top of that he had a C. Diff infection, so he was at high risk of sepsis. The hospital said that we could go and visit in PPE so I took a week off. He was in a really bad way and in the end, we said we would support whatever decision he made.

He was discharged on Feb 17 in the evening. I was back in Gloucester and planning to go down at the weekend but the next day I got the call from my sister saying she had found my dad dead.

It was all very much a blur after that. I got on with planning the funeral but I was eating badly, I was sleeping worse, I couldn’t concentrate, I was having lots of nightmares and I was getting snappy. I started to notice changes in myself. My degree and my coping strategies kind of all went out of the window.

I thought I could deal with it by myself but actually I realised I couldn’t have all that on my shoulders and not talk to someone about it. My sister was going through the same thing so it wouldn’t have been fair to burden her and my partner is amazing but he has never experienced anything like this.

People try to empathise but it ends up being sympathy and that’s not what I want. In the end, I just googled ‘bereavement services’ and found Sue Ryder. My mum loved the Sue Ryder shop, she’d spend hours in there, so I decided to look into it. I had an email from Sue Ryder a month or so later and that was where it started.

I needed to get on with my life. I know my parents would have wanted that for me so I needed to figure out how I do that and how to change how I was grieving. It was hard opening up but it’s probably one of the best things I’ve ever done. I needed someone else to tell me that what I was feeling was completely normal. Tell me it was OK to feel like that. And although it was only a few sessions, I think it was probably the perfect amount of time for me.

My counsellor took me through everything very slowly. She has been invaluable and I think I would be in a much worse place mentally if I had not had that help when I did. She has made a massive impact on how I’m grieving and how I’m dealing with things now.

The worst part for me is that I’m never going to speak to my parents again. I’m never going to have my dad walk me down the aisle. I’m never going to pick up the phone to my mum again and I’m learning to deal with the reality of that a lot better than I was before.

I could never really listen to the songs that played at my mum and dad’s funerals but last week I sang along to one in the car. It was a bit bittersweet, but it was good. It’s a nice memory. It was one of their favourite songs and now I’m considering making a playlist of the songs they loved to help me sit with my emotions because sometimes you do just need to have a cry.

I’m trying to look at the positives but making sure I’m not ignoring the negatives. Absolutely I would have both my parents back if I could but my dad was really unwell and I have done a lot of reflecting on that.

If my story helps one person, then I’ll be happy with that. Just know that you are not alone. And that, although it’s rare, this does happen to other people. I got my dog Barney to fill this gap in my heart and having him in my life has made all the difference.