Book list: Supporting a child when someone is dying

I’m Vida, I have worked at Sue Ryder offering grief support for 2 years. I have been a counsellor for over 10 years and before that did academic research into children whose parents were diagnosed with cancer. Working with children and young people has been a big part of my work and is really important to me.

At Sue Ryder we do not directly support children and young people, but part of palliative care is supporting the whole family before and after a bereavement. So offering guidance and support to adults supporting their children and young people will always be part of our role.

When working with children and young people I have always found books to be a great resource because:

• It allows them to consider what is going on in an age-appropriate way and in a format that they are familiar with.
• Reading books is something we can do alone or together it offers a choice for children and young people in how they process their grief.
• Books can be a great way to start difficult conversations as well as addressing issues that may be hard to explain.
• They can create some distance from our own experience, allowing us the opportunity to talk about things that are very difficult. This means they can have a role as a stepping stone to talking about our own feelings, concerns and experiences.
• We can also start and stop reading whenever we want to, so it feels safe for them, not forced upon them.

If you are thinking of sharing a book with a child or young person who is bereaved or anticipating a bereavement. I would suggest starting with something like:

• “I have found a book about XXX, I wonder if you would like to have a look at it or read it with me?”

If they do not want to engage, just say something like:

• That’s ok, let me know if you change your mind.”
• “Would you like me to leave it on the bookshelf in case you change your mind in the future?”

There are so many wonderful books out there for children and young people, and I have a list as long of my arm of books I have used over the years. Some are stories to read, others are activity books or informational books for parents, all of these different types of books can support children and young people.

I will mention a handful of those books in case it will be helpful as a starting point for people who are curious about using books to support children and young people.

I Miss You has been a book I have found useful, particularly with primary school aged children (aged 4-11) because it can be used with different bereavements and address some of the aspects that younger children might worry about.

For example:

• What happens when somebody dies?
• Did they do anything to cause the death?
• What to expect when people die.

It allows has room for them to share their experience if they want to. This book is simple and supports children to understand grief as normal, which in my experience can often leave them feeling less alone with their loss.

Muddles, Puddles and Sunshine has also been a useful book to use with children who are younger. I’ve also used activities from this book with young people and adults too.

I find it useful because:

• If you or the child prefers to be doing something while you are talking, it allows the opportunity to engage with bereavement at the same time as working on a project or activity.
• It can lead to having tangible things to keep that you can come back to in the future if you want to.
• The child can have a look and pick out what you would like to work on. Talking about the activities people didn’t choose, has also led to some very important conversations for me.
• There is a lack of bereavement books in other languages and this book lends itself well to being adaptable to any language that you or a child is more comfortable with, as it does not rely on reading.
• It lends itself well to creativity so activities can be changed according to ideas that come from the child themselves. I have found this to be good for children over the years, as it supports each of their unique needs.

For similar reasons to the above I have also found When Somebody Has a Very Serious Illness and When Someone Very Special Dies by Marge Heegaard to be wonderful books also.

These books are useful because they recognise the different aspects that teenagers will be managing alongside their bereavement.

In my experience it has been helpful with teenagers and young people to talk with them about the books they are already reading. Many books will address grief and loss in some way, and it may be more meaningful for young people to talk about their experience by relating to something they are already engaged with and can relate to.

There are books available for specific bereavements such as suicide. For example, Luna’s Red Hat by Emmi Smid is one I have found helpful as it has beautiful pictures and addresses a difficult topic in a very accessible way. It normalises feelings of anger and fear that are common for children and young people. It can be hard for people to talk about death by suicide with children and this book allows children to see that there are others who have had someone close to them die this way also.

The Guide for Parents at the back, however, although it has some useful aspects to it, I would say is not useful as it uses terms like ‘committed suicide’ that we have long recognised as not useful. This is a good reminder that not all books are using current terminology that we consider useful. Therefore we need to be mindful of this when choosing books to use with children and young people.

For wonderful books about specific deaths, I have often turned to the resources provided by Winston’s Wish including ‘, and Hope Beyond the Headlines - Supporting a Child Bereaved Through Murder or Manslaughter.

Finally, I would always advise that before you share a book, you read it yourself first. You know your child/young person best, and it is important that whatever book you share considers your culture and beliefs.

It is also important that books are age appropriate. Every child is different so this cannot be generalised, but think about your child’s/young person’s personal level of understanding before starting the conversation. You will likely know best, but if you are unsure it can help to seek support from others like your child’s teacher.

I believe parents/carers/other important adults in a child or young person’s life are best positioned to support them. Books are just one way some adults may find useful in supporting the children and young people in their lives. However, it is important to remember it is not the only way. It might be helpful to ask your friends and family or others around you about what they have found helpful.

The above are just a handful of books that have been helpful in my work over the years. If you are looking for suggestions/recommendations for books about death and grief, I would suggest looking at Winston’s Wish. They have a long list of useful books for you to consider.

Winston’s Wish also have a Helpline for parents if they need support or have a challenging issue they are struggling with related to children, young people and bereavement.