Supporting a child when someone is dying
Supporting a child when someone important to them, like a grandparent, parent, sibling or other friend or family member is dying is really hard. Especially when you are struggling with your own difficult thoughts and feelings.
There are no right answers. We can't make this easy. But we know that keeping an honest and open relationship will be really helpful at this difficult time.
This page has practical tips to help you to cope together. We have also included some links to groups and organisations that can give you some extra support.
We also have information on telling a child when someone is dying which you may find helpful.
Let them choose
Give children the choice to spend time with the dying person if they want to.
You may have an idea what is best for them. Some people want to protect their child from the sight of someone being unwell. Some people may feel they want to make the most of the time they have left. This may change over time depending on the person’s health or how they are being cared for.
But depending on their age, it is usually helpful to let the child or young person decide for themselves and let them know they can change their mind at any time.
My young adult daughter had said she wanted to be with him as he took his last breath ... We had this shared experience together and can understand each other's feelings when we talk about it, as we often do.
Person grieving for their dad
There are many situations where neither option is going to feel right. It is true that it can be difficult for a child to see someone they care about in poor health or pain, but this will be something you can explain and help them cope with. It could also be a chance to do or say things with the person that they won’t have again.
I would 100% say include the children in every aspect of the process. Do not push them away, exclude them, ignore their wishes.
Karen
Get them involved
Give them the option to be involved in caring. Children often want to help and to be involved. Finding ways for them to do this, if they want to, can help them feel included and connected to the person who is dying. They may want a regular, specific job they do each day. Or they may want to help less often as and when they’re free. It is important that they can choose, if possible.
Tasks for younger children:
- Drawing them a picture
- Choosing something to decorate their room
- Bringing them a snack
- Brushing their hair
Tasks for teenagers and young people:
- Choosing entertainment, such as magazines, films, music or games
- Cooking them a meal
- Choosing comfortable clothes
- A manageable amount of normal household tasks that might make things easier for the main person caring for them such as putting away laundry, washing up or hoovering
For children who find visiting or seeing their important person difficult (or if seeing them is impossible) think about which of these might act as way of connecting with them from a distance.
If you know, that a bereavement will happen, be as open as possible and ensure their involvement in the period up to that point.
Anonymous
Support for young carers
Family circumstances can sometimes mean children and young people become involved in caring for a family member, particularly if someone is dying at home.
Unlike the examples given above, the tasks may not feel optional to you or the young person. They may feel like a necessary part of a very difficult time for your family.
Check in with them regularly about what they are doing, how they are feeling and if it is stopping them from doing things they want to do in other areas of their life.
You may be able to get some extra help. See our pages on coping as a carer and support available for you as a carer.
Information for young carers from other organisations:
Give them chances to feel normal
Children and young people are likely to cope better if they are still able to keep to some of their routines. School, friends and clubs can allow them to spend time with people their own age and think about other things for a while.
Thinking carefully about this might be more important if the person is dying in the home they live in. Teenagers in particular might take on more tasks around the house (whether you mean them to or not) which will leave them with less time for normal activities.
Some children may feel guilty that they want some time and space away from the dying person. Reassure them that it is ok for them to take some time to do normal things.
Cancer Research UK offer advice here on whether a child should continue to go to school when someone is dying.
It’s baby steps, up and down and not linear. Try to listen and let the young person share their worries, feelings and emotions in a safe space.
J, grieving for her husband and Children’s Dad.
Help them think about who else can support them
Although we often want our children to talk to us, what is more important is that they have someone to turn to, even if its not us. Then, if they don’t want, or can’t, talk to you, they know who to go to. This also lets them know you understand and support them sharing their feelings with others. Help them think about someone they can talk to and how they might start a conversation. This could be a family member, close friend or teacher.
Help them get to know the hospice
If the person who is dying plans to go into a hospice (or is already there) it will seem less frightening to a child if they are familiar with it. Ask the hospice if you can arrange a visit with them to have a look around before they go in to visit the person.
Talk to their preschool, school or college
The school will keep the information you tell them confidential. They can offer support for your child too and may be able to suggest other good sources of information and help.
Looking after yourself
Looking after someone who is dying as well as supporting a child or children can be emotionally and physically exhausting. You may feel stretched to breaking point and unable to find time for yourself to rest and process your own emotions. But you can’t be there for others unless you look after yourself too. Read more about coping as a carer and support available for you as a carer.
Even if you are not an official carer, it might help to think about how you can find time and space for yourself. Think about what you can stop doing and who can help you with things like childcare and housework. You may find there are lots of people who really want to offer support. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
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