End-of-life wishes: start the difficult conversation
Many people avoid end-of-life conversations regarding their wishes because they feel difficult or frightening. However, your words can be a gift to those you love and care about. Within this space, we share people’s real end‑of‑life experiences, lessons that helped individuals and families, and conversation‑starting questions to support discussions about final wishes.
On this page
Why talking about the end of life matters
Our survey* revealed that people overwhelmingly want dignity, control, and clarity at the end of life, yet many put off conversations that would help their loved ones understand their wishes.
Reading others’ experiences can make the first steps feel more manageable.
I wanted my family to be sure that they were doing what I wanted and not what they thought I wanted.
Anonymous
What people worry about most
People told us their biggest fears were not about dying itself but how they might die.
- Pain and suffering - most respondents feared pain or a prolonged decline, often shaped by difficult experiences caring for loved ones.
- Loss of dignity - many worried about being treated without respect or having a poor quality of life.
- Being a burden - significant number said their greatest fear was leaving loved ones to cope alone or make difficult decisions.
When my mother died nothing was ever discussed about her wishes with her. Almost like it wasn't happening. I don't want that.
Pauline from Lancashire
Stories that shaped people’s views
Nearly half (47%) of the nation admit they would feel more comfortable discussing dying and death with a stranger than with someone they love. But 60% admit that even a brief conversation would give them the confidence to speak more openly about their end-of-life wishes.
Why is it important to have the conversation?
Lottie Tomlinson, Angel Chi, Paul Baichoo and other members of the public share why talking about what matters most before the end of life is one of the most important conversations we can have.
My mum got ill unexpectedly, and she never wanted to approach the subject that she wasn’t going to make it. There were a lot of unanswered questions after she died that we didn’t know.
Lottie Tomlinson, Sue Ryder Ambassador
What people told us they want at the end of life
We asked what matters most in the later stages of life. The answers were clear.
- Dignity and respect
- Independence and autonomy
- Being pain‑free
- Emotional wellbeing
- Strong relationships
- Feeling safe and supported
People also told us they want to avoid unnecessary hospital admissions and prefer calm, compassionate environments, such as a hospice or care at home.
My husband had excellent palliative care treatment for over two years.
Anonymous
Why early conversations matter
Talking early reduces fear and gives families confidence. Respondents who had cared for family members told us that guessing someone’s wishes can be deeply stressful. Knowing a loved one’s preferences brought relief, confidence and peace of mind.
Recently I had to arrange a funeral and try to guess end-of-life wishes, it was emotionally tough.
Anonymous
How to start the conversation
Simple ways to begin the conversation
Your conversation doesn’t need to be perfect; it just needs to start. People in our survey suggested many simple ways to begin:
- Choose a calm moment, such as a walk or a quiet evening.
- Use a story, like someone you know or something you’ve read.
- Start small, covering one topic at a time.
- Write things down if talking feels too hard.
- Let the other person lead when they’re ready.
- Use gentle humour if it feels natural.
Tell them you need to feel in control of that aspect of your life and that you want them to help you organise everything.
Pauline from Lancashire
Questions to help you start
Talking about what matters most at the end of life can feel difficult. Many people worry about saying the wrong thing or choosing the wrong moment.
These conversations don’t have to be perfect. Sometimes a simple question is enough to begin.
You don’t have to ask all of these. Even one small question can open the door to a meaningful conversation.
- Is there a meaningful item you'd want to leave to someone special?
- What music would you want at your funeral?
- Who would you want to look after your pets / dependants after you die?
- After you die, would you want any religious elements or cultural practices observed?
- What would be most important to you if you were terminally ill?
- Who are the people, or things, that are most important to you and how would you want to make the most of the time you’d have with them if you were ill?
- Where would you want to be cared for at the end of your life?
- Have you ever thought about writing down your end-of-life wishes so others don’t have to guess?
When you need extra support, we're here for you
Whether you’re planning for the future, caring for someone or coping with grief, Sue Ryder is here to support you with expert information, compassionate advice and free resources.
Almost 4 in 5 people haven’t discussed their last wishes with loved ones. Our free guide will help you start those conversations - so the people closest to you understand your wishes.
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