Love after loss - dating and reconnecting after the death of a partner
This month of love, Sue Ryder is encouraging more open and compassionate conversations about love and intimacy after bereavement, reminding people there is no right way, or right time, to reconnect after a partner has died. Our Clinical Director of Grief and Bereavement, Bianca Neumann, shares tips for navigating grief.
Social judgment, rather than lack of desire, is one of the biggest barriers to intimacy with new partners for widowed people. On average, people wait one year and nine months before being intimate with a new partner, as nearly two-thirds (63%) fear being judged for “moving on too soon”.
Rather than following their own feelings, nearly a third (29%) of adults in the UK delayed intimacy because they worried about how others would perceive them, outweighing fears of being hurt again (22%), concerns about loyalty to a late partner (25%) or simply not having met the right person (18%).
Despite many feeling emotionally ready, one in six (15%) said they had not been intimate at all since their partner died, suggesting fear of judgment can lead some to put their own needs on hold indefinitely.
While grief remains deeply personal, research commissioned by leading palliative care and bereavement charity, Sue Ryder, found that almost six in ten (59%) felt pressure to follow an invisible timeline for dating or intimacy after bereavement, despite two-thirds (67%) believing there is “no right time” to reconnect physically.
For many, the pressures carry over into emotional self-censorship, as six in ten (60%) said they feel responsible for managing other people’s discomfort around death, while 63% worried about how they would be perceived if they began dating after their partner died.
The emotional cost of that scrutiny is clear, as more than six in ten (61%) said they felt pressured to appear “emotionally recovered” before allowing themselves to be physical, while nearly a third (31%) delayed sex out of guilt, despite feeling ready.
The impact of this can linger, with nearly half (48%) of bereaved adults saying they regretted waiting longer than they wanted to, and seven in ten (76%) saying they wished there were more open conversations about intimacy after bereavement.
Bianca Neumann, Clinical Director of Grief and Bereavement at Sue Ryder, says:
“Valentine’s Day can feel especially tough when you’re grieving a partner. And people wanting to explore sex and intimacy again can feel lots of pressure, but intimacy can be a natural remedy for those who feel ready.
“Touch can trigger beneficial neurochemical changes, which reduce stress and can boost mood.
"Very often, however, people feel they cannot have intimacy, whether it be self-love or with a new partner, alongside their grief. This self-imposed ban can lead to disenfranchised grief. Sexual bereavement is something that research suggests is common, with people feeling a very real loss of intimacy and an inability to share this loss with others.
“Some cultures have set expectations on remarrying, with rules on how long to wait and rituals that mean people don't stay alone. Here in the West, we often have a very individualistic society, whereas in other parts of the world, there is a collectivist approach where it is not just about individual healing but also about fulfilling group needs, maintaining family stability, and ensuring care, especially for older people.
“As is always the case with grief, it's important to consider the context you're in and pursue what feels right for you. Any invisible strings you feel don't have to be taken as real rules to stop you from living your life and navigating your grief.”
Despite the taboo, two in five (43%) said grief actually increased their desire for intimacy, yet a fifth (21%) felt uncomfortable admitting this to others. More than a third (36%) believe there is greater judgment around dating after bereavement than after a breakup, rising to 41% when compared with divorce.
Yet, nearly one in five (17%) said they had discussed what they would want for each other before their partner died, and a third (33%) knew their partner would have wanted them to find love again.
Five tips for navigating grief
- Don’t judge your emotions - Grief brings up a whole mix of feelings from sadness, anger, jealousy, to even envy. These emotions can be uncomfortable, but they’re all completely normal. Try not to label these feelings as ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’. They’re all part of the grieving process.
- Be gentle with yourself - You don’t have to be ‘OK’. Grief comes in waves, and some days will feel heavier than others. Give yourself permission to feel whatever comes up, without pressure to ‘hold it together’ for the sake of the day. It’s also important to focus on the time you had together, not what you wish you’d done. Regret is common after a bereavement. Instead of dwelling on ‘what ifs’, try to remember the moments you did share and how meaningful they were.
- Celebrate the love around you - Valentine’s Day isn’t only about romantic relationships anymore. Celebrations like ‘Galentine’s’ and ‘Palentine’s’ remind us that love exists in many forms. If it feels right, spend time with the people who care about you.
- Honour your partner in your own way - Grief can feel isolating, but you’re not alone. Sharing memories and talking about your loved one can be comforting, whether that’s with family, friends or others who have been through something similar. Sue Ryder’s Online Bereavement Community is a safe space where people can connect with others and share experiences to provide peer-to-peer support - 24 hours a day. You might also want to light a candle, look through photos, write a letter or spend time with someone who also knew them. These small acts of remembrance can help you feel less alone and more connected to them.
- Allow yourself space or skip the day entirely - If you need time alone, take it. Step away from social media, mute marketing emails or avoid the shops and the pressure of the day. You don’t need to justify your grief to anyone. It’s completely fine to ignore the day and do something that brings you joy or relaxes you - whether that’s cooking, watching a TV series, exercising or getting some fresh air.
Facing Valentine’s Day after the death of your partner can be a painful reminder of what’s changed. Read more advice on how to navigate Valentine's Day and grief.
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