What is complicated grief?
This page explains why you might be feeling a complicated mix of emotions as part of your grief and how you can get support.
Grief is what we experience after a loss of any kind. It is the word we use to describe how we feel after someone important to us dies.
There is no ‘normal’ way to grieve as everyone’s experience of grief is different. But it is common to have thoughts and feeling that are complicated.
They may seem to make no sense, or like they contradict each other, for example:
- Being angry at someone for dying, knowing it wasn’t their fault.
- Feeling relieved that someone is no longer in pain, at the same time as wishing they hadn’t died.
- Feeling fine one minute, and really bad the next.
- Missing someone you did not have a good relationship with and did not make you feel happy.
Grief is a mixture of different emotions you feel lonely desperately sad, angry at times, numb...
Gill from Newcastle
Take a look at our information on common emotions experienced in grief.
Is complicated grief a disorder?
Having complicated feelings about the person that has died, or the circumstances of your bereavement, does not mean you have something wrong with you or need a mental health diagnosis. It is normal to feel a mix of emotions after someone close to you has died.
People with strong feelings of grief that last for a long time are sometimes given a diagnosis of prolonged grief disorder (which some people call complicated grief disorder).
See our information on prolonged grief disorder.
I guess mine is a bit complicated because first of all my Mother died after a number of years declining into dementia. I had never got on well with my Mother.
Anonymous
Support for complicated grief
Most people who are grieving find they are able to feel better with the support of people who know them best, like family, friends or their community.
Sue Ryder’s grief and bereavement services are also a good place to start:
- Grief Guide for short, easy to read information and advice for people who are grieving
- Online Bereavement Community is a safe place to connect with people who are grieving too
- Grief Kind Spaces are in-person grief support groups
- Online Bereavement Counselling Services
If these don't help, you need more support or are worried about your mental health your GP should be able to help you get specialist grief support.
There is nothing straightforward about grief. It is often complicated and confusing. But, whatever your experience, there is support out there for you. You are not alone.
Grief brings out complicated feelings of loss and regret. I've been torturing myself thinking I wasn't worthy of my wife, even though I know its nonsense.
Hugh from Dunoon