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The song that brought my mum back - Ryan's story

19 Jan 2019
Rachel on hike, looking up to the sky

So it’s 1.13am and I have just started typing this blog on my phone. I should be asleep, I’ve been in bed two hours. Heck, I’ve to be up at 6am for work! But about an hour ago, I pressed shuffle on Spotify and on came Coldplay – Everglow.

If there is one song in the world that I will forever associate with my Mum, it is that song. Why? I’m not so sure there’s any one reason. Coldplay were one of Mum’s favourite bands – something which at the time, I never quite understood! The song also came out in November 2015, just one month after Mum passed away. But more than anything, I guess it’s the lyrics which just resonate so greatly.

Well they say people come

They say people go

This particular diamond was extra special

And though you might be gone, and the world may not know

Still I see you, celestial

And when I think of Mum, it always seems to be Coldplay songs which come to mind. The lyrics of Everglow and Christmas Lights both resonate so deeply, whilst the introduction of Charlie Brown would instantly make me think of Mum and bring tears to my eyes, both now and throughout Mum’s illness.

Anyway, I’m not on commission here, so that’s enough about Coldplay for one night. The reason I’m writing this blog is because often when I hear the song Everglow, I’ll skip it. It’s not something I can just half listen to, it’s too important for that. I like to be alone when I listen to it, to pay attention to the music and the words, to go through my photo album of Mum whilst I listen.

But tonight, at some point after 12am on 16/01/2019, when I pressed shuffle on a playlist of over 120 songs, Everglow came straight on. And I can’t help but think it came on for a reason.

Today is the due date of my first child. A baby girl, no less, though she’s yet to make an appearance, so we wait with baited breath. She wasn’t planned, and the whole situation has taken an incredibly long time for me to come around to, and my mind has been in some dark and unpleasant places at times along the journey to this point.

The hardest part of this entire situation is that my Mum isn’t here to be a part of this.

The hardest part (an unintentional Coldplay lyric, sorry!) of this entire situation is that my Mum isn’t here to be a part of this. To be able to meet her granddaughter, and be the most incredible Grandma that she most definitely would be. Even now, I’m not ready for that, and it breaks my heart just to think that baby will never meet her Grandma. I have the most unbelievable relationship with my Mum’s mum, who is now 88, and to know that my own child won’t have that same privilege tears me up. The cruel impact a brain tumour can have strikes me now as much as ever before.

Ryan, his mum and grandma

My younger sister had her first child, the brilliant little Martha, at the end of 2017, and I know has encountered these same issues that I now face. How she copes as well as she does, I have no idea. She’s incredible really, and I can only think she gets her strength and resilience from our wonderful Mum.

The one consolation that I’m able to cling to is that Mum did get the chance to be a grandma to my older brother and sister’s children. On five occasions, no less! Grandma Rachy, as she was to them, was perfect in every way – loving, caring, considerate, anything the kids needed her to be. And though I’ll never be ok with the fact Mum will never meet my own baby or Martha, I’m able to sleep a little better at night knowing that, for however short a time, she did have Grace, Harry, Eve, Millie and Ruby.

Though she’s not here to be part of this baby journey with us, Everglow coming on how and when it did tonight confirms to me that Mum’s still watching on. This was just her way of checking in, letting me know that everything will be ok, and that she’ll always be there, watching.

This was just her way of checking in, letting me know that everything will be ok, and that she’ll always be there, watching.

Ryan stands in front of blue Sue Ryder wall holding marathon medal
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Ryan raised over £4,000 while running the London Marathon in 2019.

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