Living a full and meaningful life after loss: Ellen’s story

I lost my mum when I was just six months old and I was raised with a strong bond to my three grandparents, only to lose two of them at 15, just three months apart.

Three years later, I lost my dad, and most recently, at the end of 2024, I lost my nanny Ann – the most painful loss I’ve experienced so far.

Having lost my mum so young, I always felt like something was missing or different as I grew up compared to other children.

Whether it was just because I was being picked up by grandparents rather than my mum or dad, or not having my mum there for those milestone moments through school. Like having her there at prom to take me to get my hair and make-up done, or missing out on my friends doing mother and daughter days together in groups.

Other children would often ask me what it was like not to have a mum, and for me, that feeling of absence was just my normal. However, having those questions directed at me, at random moments throughout school, made me feel like the spotlight was on me in a way that set me apart from my friends.

I remember feeling as though I was known as the girl whose mum had died, something I thought would stick with me through life, so now it is weird when I must tell people. I still don’t know how to do that part yet!

Looking back, it taught me a lot about resilience and empathy. I can appreciate now that my friends asked questions out of interest and curiosity. I’ve also definitely learnt to appreciate the family that was there for me instead, like my grandparents and my step-mum.

However, going into my adult life, I definitely feel cautious about telling colleagues and new friends about my personal situation. I don’t want to feel like I have to always answer the questions, or even just have people say ‘I’m sorry to hear that’ – I’m not a fan of pity, even if it is genuine.

That feeling has definitely shaped how I connect with people and approach challenges, as it has made me more sensitive to others’ experiences and what they may be dealing with quietly.

It is overwhelming when someone passes away. The first few days are so isolating and lonely, plus you have all the documentation to sort. It is a lot to take on.

I remember my brother and I not having a clue how to go about it all, and just thinking we want to grieve our dad, not have to deal with all this as well.

There can be a big expectation to have the bereavement period and then the ‘you should just get on with it’ mentality kicks in from outsiders.

I first came across Sue Ryder through a campaign with Sue Ryder ambassador Lottie Tomlinson, not long after I lost my dad at the age of 18.

At the time, I was struggling deeply with grief, and her story – along with the messages shared – truly struck a chord with me. Since then, I’ve been following Sue Ryder’s social media channels, and have found so much comfort and inspiration in the stories, quotes and information shared.

It helped me to feel less alone in my journey, and even encouraged me to take the step of starting therapy, which has been transformative for me.

Seeing that representation of young people going through grief is so important because losing a parent at a young age isn’t something many people experience and it can be incredibly hard to navigate.

My brother and I lost our safety blanket so young, and have had to navigate our lives without being able to lean on our parents if things went wrong.

We have to cope with the fact every day that they won’t see us get married, they haven’t been able to meet my brother’s daughter or see me graduate – and on these days, we have to always just be happy and mask the sadness underneath.

Those milestones will always be bittersweet, because there’s no one in my immediate circle who has been through something similar to share that understanding.

I am so fortunate to have a strong group of friends. Most I have known since I was 11, and some even earlier. They have grown up with me and understand how to support me, especially on the harder days.

When I lost my dad during COVID, their support was what got me through. Even if they didn’t know exactly what to say, just listening was enough.

That said, I did lose some friendships during that time. They hadn’t experienced grief themselves and couldn’t understand what I was going through. I have accepted this over time.

I was also very lucky to have my nan by my side until last December. She was my rock during losing my dad, and my focus shifted to her in many ways.

Losing someone can feel so isolating, and you do feel like you’re living in your own world whilst everything changes around you.

Sometimes, I think you can feel angry at the world or like your feelings are almost invalid, as everyone just carries on. Reading other people’s stories on grief has helped me feel like I’m not alone in this grief journey.

It’s been refreshing to hear that they felt the same or similar to me.

In terms of coping strategies, over time, I’ve found listening to my body and head is key. If I’m having a down day, I let myself feel it, cry, get angry, whatever it needs to be.

But also, it’s important not to feel guilty when you have a good day. Celebrate the small wins — the person you are grieving would want you to.

My friends and family continue to support me by talking about those I have lost, but also by just listening to me when I’m having a tough day. They know how much anniversaries mean to me and even five years on from losing dad, they still message me on the day.

To maintain connection with my grandparents and parents, on anniversaries or birthdays, or just when I am missing them, I will post photos of them on social media, as I just feel like I’m sharing a sense of them and keeping their memory alive a bit more.

On my dad’s anniversary and his birthday, my brother and I always organise a meal out with his close friends, where we talk about him and share memories of him.

My advice to other young people would be: do not let grief hold you back. Allow yourself to feel every emotion that comes your way, but also take every opportunity that is given to you.

My parents passed away young, having so much of their life to live, and that’s something that I always think about. I know my parents wouldn’t want their death to get in the way of my life. I almost have to live it for them in a way.

Through it all, I’ve come to realize that while grief is a part of us, it doesn’t have to define us. I want to inspire others to see that, despite the weight of loss, we can continue to live full and meaningful lives – not just for ourselves, but as a way to honour those we’ve loved and lost.

Sue Ryder provides a range of online bereavement support, including our Online Community offering 24-hour peer-to-peer support, and a wide range of advice and resources for people who are grieving or supporting someone who is grieving.