Friday 10 February 2012
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Coping with loss at Christmas time
3 December 2009
For most people, Christmas is usually a time of happiness and an opportunity to see family and friends. However, for some people the festive season can be distressing, reminding them of loved ones who have passed away or they won't see this Christmas.
People that have lost a loved one close to Christmas may not even want to think about it or acknowledge the arrival of the festive season. It will be hard to ignore that Christmas is here - Christmas lights in town, decorations in shopping windows, street performers singing Christmas tunes.
Greg O'Sullivan, Bereavement Service Coordinator at Sue Ryder said: "Some people will try to avoid thinking of Christmas, but it is not possible as it's going to be around them everywhere. It is better to try and think about how you may want to spend it, even if you know it will be hard because your loved one is not there to share it with you.
Each person's experience of bereavement is special to them - there isn't a ‘right' or ‘wrong' way to grieve. Grieving is a natural process which help most people, eventually, to find a way of learning to live with the death and to continue with life, but grieving does not always come naturally. We can be surprised by the range of different feelings, or even the absence of feelings. You may even feel ‘abnormal' or worry that you are ‘going mad'. Such experiences are perfectly normal.
There are a few things that may be of some help to cope with bereavement especially at Christmas:
- Take care of yourself: our body, mind and spirit need a chance to heel themselves. Try to eat as well as you can. Especially at this time your body needs nourishment. Accept sleep whenever it comes, even if your usual sleeping routine goes for a while.
- Keep yourself busy: it may be helpful getting out, being around other people, it helps time to pass more quickly. Finding the energy or motivation to do things can be hard, but once you've made the effort to go places you will often feel better for it. Some people may well have the support of their families who will look after them at Christmas. Others may be very much on their own with few family or friends around to support them at this time of the year.
- Look for opportunities in your community: it is better to keep yourself busy over the festive season. There may be opportunities if you are able to do some form of voluntary work on Christmas day or New Year. There may be a day centre that organises Christmas meals for homeless people and they need volunteers to help out. Or you could find out if there are services and activities at your local church or Community Centre.
- Christmas cards: If your partner has died you may well receive Christmas cards addressed to you both as friends who are not often in contact with may not know of your recent loss. Some people choose to not send Christmas cards or if they do sign the cards just from themselves which can be difficult. Some also include a brief note explaining to people what has happened.
- Remembering: Many of us will have good memories of past Christmases shared with the person who has died. It can be comforting to remember these as well as painful to feel their absence now. What may help is to think about how you want Christmas to be. Some people decide to do things as they always have; others want to do things completely differently to try to avoid painful memories. Others try to "escape" by going away on holiday. Think about what might be best for you at this time of the year.
To remember and celebrate treasured memories of loved ones, Sue Ryder is hosting Lights of Love remembrance events across the country.
Sue Ryder's Lights of Love is an annual event giving people the chance to make a dedication in honour of a person who is special to them. In addition to attending events, anyone interested in taking part can dedicate a Light of Love to someone they care about online at www.suerydercare.org/lightsoflove and see their loved one's name appear in an online Book of Remembrance. Or they can request a Lights of Love pack by contacting 0845 0501953. People keen to dedicate a Light of Love will be encouraged to give a donation of their choice to Sue Ryder. Everyone making a dedication and a donation will receive a Lights of Love Christmas star on which they can write a personal message before hanging it on their tree at home.
Christine Ellis, Head of Family Support at Sue Ryder, commented: "Lights of Love is a campaign that has a special meaning for most of our supporters. It's a way for people to do something positive to cope with their bereavement. To lose someone you love dearly is always a very distressing experience, but it is more difficult at Christmas. You see people getting excited about Christmas because it's a great occasion for the whole family to get together, but for some people this is not a happy time as their loved one may be not with them anymore. Lights of Love brings people together and together we remember the people that have played a special role in our life".
Sue Ryder provides expert and compassionate care to people living with conditions including Cancer, Stroke, Brain Injury, Multiple Sclerosis, Dementia, Huntington's Disease, Parkinson's Disease and Motor Neurone Disease through its residential, day care and community-based services.
If you would like to receive more information about Sue Ryder's Lights of Love please visit www.suerydercare.org/lightsoflove or call 0845 0501953.